a series of modest proposals
just thought that I would do my part as a concerned citizen and give my humble opinion here on how certain societal issues may be best handled. Probably my longest post ever.
-Problem-
We are slowly turning into a nation of fat couch potatoes (like me) or thin nerdy chaps with bookish glasses and bad posture (feel free to play around with permutations such as "fat with bad posture", "thin couch potato" etc...). At this rate, there may no more poseurs left to fuel the retail and entertainment industry, thereby plunging the economy into an irrecoverable abyss. There will also be the additional problem of what to do with all the surplus "live strong" bands, skate shoes and hair wax. Smelting them into condoms comes to mind but the demand for prophylactics among the fatties and nerds is not exactly strong. We might also see a dire shortage of mammary shaped mouse pads for the same reason that condoms will not be needed.
Converting all the live strong bands, skate shoes and hair wax into chewing gum is also unacceptable, since under the terms of the Singapore - US free trade agreement: the only rubbers which can be chewed and sucked are those which are good for the teeth. Fortunately for us, just coincidentally, a number of american rubbers fit this bill, and after chewing and sucking on them, we will have nice clean teeth with which to smile and say thank you.
The prevalence of fatties and nerds will also exacerbate the babe drain problem Singapore faces. SDU's membership might also swell (pardon the pun) to surpass the number of NTUC union members who are easy to count because they stay so very still. The ensuing dearth of couplings will also send the real estate market into a quagmire since F&Ns (no relation whatsoever with the company) are also more likely to stay with their parents till their late 50s or the CPF withdrawal age whichever is earlier.
-Analysis-
With my rigorous business school training, I felt compelled to do this consultant style because consultants get paid for common sense and knowing words that other people do not understand... not unlike a Spelling Bee competition. This approach will not be duplicated subsequently, ostensibly because it is a. Repetitive and b. people might actually see through it for the bullshit that it is. Anyway here goes...
Applying various management tools such as Porter's five forces, SWOT, passing the buck and an extended executive lunch after golf; I arrived at the heart of the issue. [Future policy makers might want to take note of the stunning brevity]
-->We have too many fat kids and nerds.
Tada... Short and sweet yeah... I can also say this without guilt since I am both fat AND nerdy.
I will probably go to jail for this, but I believe that if you are feeding someone bullshit, you should give it to them straight, pardon the oxymoron. This I believe is preferable to a statement which could have been said like,"There are 3 CRITICAL things we must do in order to boost the birthrate in Singapore:
#1 Get Singles to form relationships.
#2 Increase the number of marriages in Singapore
#3 Get married singaporeans to have children
No shit sherlock... But lists are good notwithstanding, especially when you are talking to people you think are idiots. The pause helps us idiots digest the points you see. for instance...
#1 Wow
#2 Such
#3 Bullshit
Possible Solutions
a. Ban obesity and nerdism and jail offenders
b. Create a campaign with easily recognisable local faces such as our very own Gurmit Singh and some under 21 national soccer players for the ethnic cool edge.
However, as preliminary proposals these are bound to have shortcomings. Banning obesity might work since time in jail has been known to induce weight loss among other things. On the other hand, the poor skinny kids will still be passed assessment books by their parents during visiting hours, thereby preventing them from fully enjoying the physical aspect of prison life, such as running around and playing with the other inmates. The more optimistic among them might also find the environment more invigorating than the underground tuition centres they are forced into after class everyday. Heck, they might even catch some sun.
At this point I must apologise for proposal B, it is getting rather late as I finish this. I will not be able to recognise the under21 squad myself, though I hear you just have to look for the chaps in soccer boots at 7 eleven buying Menthol lights. Still support using Gurmit Singh since any campaign with him inside is bound to succeed yeah. Just look at "too tuff to puff" not to be confused with "too dumb to spell" - our national speak good english campaign that never quite got approved.
-Problem-
We are slowly turning into a nation of fat couch potatoes (like me) or thin nerdy chaps with bookish glasses and bad posture (feel free to play around with permutations such as "fat with bad posture", "thin couch potato" etc...). At this rate, there may no more poseurs left to fuel the retail and entertainment industry, thereby plunging the economy into an irrecoverable abyss. There will also be the additional problem of what to do with all the surplus "live strong" bands, skate shoes and hair wax. Smelting them into condoms comes to mind but the demand for prophylactics among the fatties and nerds is not exactly strong. We might also see a dire shortage of mammary shaped mouse pads for the same reason that condoms will not be needed.
Converting all the live strong bands, skate shoes and hair wax into chewing gum is also unacceptable, since under the terms of the Singapore - US free trade agreement: the only rubbers which can be chewed and sucked are those which are good for the teeth. Fortunately for us, just coincidentally, a number of american rubbers fit this bill, and after chewing and sucking on them, we will have nice clean teeth with which to smile and say thank you.
The prevalence of fatties and nerds will also exacerbate the babe drain problem Singapore faces. SDU's membership might also swell (pardon the pun) to surpass the number of NTUC union members who are easy to count because they stay so very still. The ensuing dearth of couplings will also send the real estate market into a quagmire since F&Ns (no relation whatsoever with the company) are also more likely to stay with their parents till their late 50s or the CPF withdrawal age whichever is earlier.
-Analysis-
With my rigorous business school training, I felt compelled to do this consultant style because consultants get paid for common sense and knowing words that other people do not understand... not unlike a Spelling Bee competition. This approach will not be duplicated subsequently, ostensibly because it is a. Repetitive and b. people might actually see through it for the bullshit that it is. Anyway here goes...
Applying various management tools such as Porter's five forces, SWOT, passing the buck and an extended executive lunch after golf; I arrived at the heart of the issue. [Future policy makers might want to take note of the stunning brevity]
-->We have too many fat kids and nerds.
Tada... Short and sweet yeah... I can also say this without guilt since I am both fat AND nerdy.
I will probably go to jail for this, but I believe that if you are feeding someone bullshit, you should give it to them straight, pardon the oxymoron. This I believe is preferable to a statement which could have been said like,"There are 3 CRITICAL things we must do in order to boost the birthrate in Singapore:
#1 Get Singles to form relationships.
#2 Increase the number of marriages in Singapore
#3 Get married singaporeans to have children
No shit sherlock... But lists are good notwithstanding, especially when you are talking to people you think are idiots. The pause helps us idiots digest the points you see. for instance...
#1 Wow
#2 Such
#3 Bullshit
but i digress yet again. Back to the issue at hand I have contemplated some possible solutions as outlined below.
Possible Solutions
a. Ban obesity and nerdism and jail offenders
b. Create a campaign with easily recognisable local faces such as our very own Gurmit Singh and some under 21 national soccer players for the ethnic cool edge.
However, as preliminary proposals these are bound to have shortcomings. Banning obesity might work since time in jail has been known to induce weight loss among other things. On the other hand, the poor skinny kids will still be passed assessment books by their parents during visiting hours, thereby preventing them from fully enjoying the physical aspect of prison life, such as running around and playing with the other inmates. The more optimistic among them might also find the environment more invigorating than the underground tuition centres they are forced into after class everyday. Heck, they might even catch some sun.
At this point I must apologise for proposal B, it is getting rather late as I finish this. I will not be able to recognise the under21 squad myself, though I hear you just have to look for the chaps in soccer boots at 7 eleven buying Menthol lights. Still support using Gurmit Singh since any campaign with him inside is bound to succeed yeah. Just look at "too tuff to puff" not to be confused with "too dumb to spell" - our national speak good english campaign that never quite got approved.
Suggested Strategy
No consultant would be caught dead without considering the use of existing resources so in tackling this monumental issue, I call upon the most terrifying, brutal and powerful force in Singapore --- Overzealous Parents. Anyone who disagrees should spend an afternoon manning the book or uniform store at any primary school before term starts. I've seen little kids in braces shoved out of the way like bowling pins and maimed before they can touch the coveted assessment books. No doubt about it, overzealous Singaporean parents make the Yakuza and the KGB look like the Carebears. (No discredit to the Carebears of course... anyone who can live their lives looking that gay must be tough). Singaporean parents regularly engage in espionage and intelligence work worthy of the Mossad in scouting for tutors and getting the secret test papers of "top schools" (a shitty and unimaginative term no doubt, but an effective image nonetheless). These are people who would willingly deprive their own young of sunlight, food and youth in the pursuit of academic success imbue in them a slavish lifelong devotion to external validation... Son you are only smart if other people say so...Scary indeed.
In anycase, capitalising on the primal energy of this frenzied horde, I have hatched the ultimate and most brilliant solution to our tiny problem. A solution that promises not only to kill the proverbial 2 birds with one stone, but also in all likelihood, some fat kid like myself too. Went to the gym today, almost died on the treadmill... but i digress...
Our society has spoken at length about wholistic and balanced education; creating a breed of fit and intelligent Singaporeans well versed in history, heritage yada yada yada. And I got to thinking about the assessment methods.
If we are indeed testing the whole person, why test fitness separately from academics? Why not instead just hold the fitness test right before the any academic paper? Or better yet, incorporate the exam segments as part a the fitness test. A test of stamina, speed and mental acuity under stress. This can moreover be achieved with a few simple instructions. For instance:
In anycase, capitalising on the primal energy of this frenzied horde, I have hatched the ultimate and most brilliant solution to our tiny problem. A solution that promises not only to kill the proverbial 2 birds with one stone, but also in all likelihood, some fat kid like myself too. Went to the gym today, almost died on the treadmill... but i digress...
Our society has spoken at length about wholistic and balanced education; creating a breed of fit and intelligent Singaporeans well versed in history, heritage yada yada yada. And I got to thinking about the assessment methods.
If we are indeed testing the whole person, why test fitness separately from academics? Why not instead just hold the fitness test right before the any academic paper? Or better yet, incorporate the exam segments as part a the fitness test. A test of stamina, speed and mental acuity under stress. This can moreover be achieved with a few simple instructions. For instance:
INSTRUCTIONS FOR PAPER
Run 2.4 km to station A and complete all 10 MCQ qns over there. Star Jump over to station B for short answer questions. Complete 60 situps before going to station C for essay segment. Papers completed before 3 hrs is up will be awarded bonus marks. Every minute later than the first submitted paper carries 0.5 penalty marks.
Knowing the overzealous parents, we probably won't have the stadiums to cope with the surge in demand, something that has to be addressed. On the upside, I believe that this should fuel our fledging biomedical sector as parents turn towards modifications for their children... some wheels perhaps to go with the braces. We might also have a fighting chance at fielding a soccer team at the world cup which can fly in on the non smoking flight. This scheme as foreseeable will not meet much resistance as prior experience has shown. Just ask the cinema operators.
posted by Shininggoat at 2:42 AM
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