The Chronicles of Naohiah
Its tough to be a hardass all the time, so every christmas I cut myself some slack and follow the mindless hordes to catch a midnight movie. If you're in the age group 0 - 19, yes, this applies to you with precious few exceptions. If I ever wanted to get depressed about the level of education in Singapore or the future of the nation all I do is head down to Cineleisure. In between foaming idiots running around spraying each other with "snow" without realising the quasi homosexual references conjured, there were the others who just stood around trying to look like they just had sex with their little girlfriends who think its cool trying to look like each other.
But I digress and I suppose Narnia deserves more of a mention. This movie rocks for several reasons. Firstly it showed the world just how freakin irritating kids can be and makes a good case for abortion up to the age of 9 perhaps. By which time, parents should know if they got a whiny halfwit on their hands and should remove it from the mortal coil before it buys three 2nd hand "Live Strong" bands and heads to cineleisure to chew on condoms or something.
The first 30 mins of the movie should have come with the warning, "watch this only if you really love kids, or have a bladder the size of 5 big macs." I say this only because, to me boredom induces visits to the washroom and even the mindless hordes mentioned would know what a big mac looks like. McDonalds being their usual frame of reference, "meet u at Macs" etc... Anyway during the aforesaid 30 mins I kept wishing the Germans had been more accurate in the first scene but the krauts must have realised that letting the whiny kids grow up into emotionally inept adults was a far greater evil.
Another reason the movie rocked was the outrageous dialogue that they got away with. Never in my life would I have expected to watch a movie where an old man (Santa) gives a teenage girl a horn to blow on with the instructions: "blow on this and help will come" YEAH RIGHT... help will come all right...
Gee.. Mr Large White Bearded Guy who rides reindeer, I'm not too sure what will come but your horn sure is white shiny and hard, she must have thought.
WTF...What kind of world do we live in and what kind of messages are we sending to the young??!! If you are a girl in trouble you can get out of it by blowing a horn... goodness! Surely this cannot happen in a decent world.
But to its credit, Naohia never put itself up as a mirror of reality. For instance, nobody in the film had dicks not even the horses which is so surreal. Horses as many a naturalist knows have by human standards, impressively scaled appendages. How almost the whole world ran about buck naked without a single johnson swotting the beavers in the face is a mystery to me. In the context of the battle scenes, this becomes an even more monumental task where the 100s of thousands of dicks had to be hidden. Come to think of it though, no one in the movie had balls either... but who's complaining anyway eh? surely not the vibrant young men outside cineleisure spraying each other with "foam".
Anyway the filmakers being disney have somehow managed to take away the sole benefit of being a half man half horsed creature. I remember thinking it must be a tough job being the Centaur and writing my job applications of late has maybe increased my empathy. Try putting, "I was the little horse on the prairie" on your resume... tis sad indeed. Thinking about the Centaurs though brought home the fact that there are always worse jobs around, for instance, in a centaur, one could also end up being the tail end. For the textually inept, here's a proud visual.
Notice that while not all centaurs are cool, they are all undoubtedly sweaty.
I don't want to be the horse's ass. Naohiah Rocks!
But I digress and I suppose Narnia deserves more of a mention. This movie rocks for several reasons. Firstly it showed the world just how freakin irritating kids can be and makes a good case for abortion up to the age of 9 perhaps. By which time, parents should know if they got a whiny halfwit on their hands and should remove it from the mortal coil before it buys three 2nd hand "Live Strong" bands and heads to cineleisure to chew on condoms or something.
The first 30 mins of the movie should have come with the warning, "watch this only if you really love kids, or have a bladder the size of 5 big macs." I say this only because, to me boredom induces visits to the washroom and even the mindless hordes mentioned would know what a big mac looks like. McDonalds being their usual frame of reference, "meet u at Macs" etc... Anyway during the aforesaid 30 mins I kept wishing the Germans had been more accurate in the first scene but the krauts must have realised that letting the whiny kids grow up into emotionally inept adults was a far greater evil.
Another reason the movie rocked was the outrageous dialogue that they got away with. Never in my life would I have expected to watch a movie where an old man (Santa) gives a teenage girl a horn to blow on with the instructions: "blow on this and help will come" YEAH RIGHT... help will come all right...
Gee.. Mr Large White Bearded Guy who rides reindeer, I'm not too sure what will come but your horn sure is white shiny and hard, she must have thought.
WTF...What kind of world do we live in and what kind of messages are we sending to the young??!! If you are a girl in trouble you can get out of it by blowing a horn... goodness! Surely this cannot happen in a decent world.
But to its credit, Naohia never put itself up as a mirror of reality. For instance, nobody in the film had dicks not even the horses which is so surreal. Horses as many a naturalist knows have by human standards, impressively scaled appendages. How almost the whole world ran about buck naked without a single johnson swotting the beavers in the face is a mystery to me. In the context of the battle scenes, this becomes an even more monumental task where the 100s of thousands of dicks had to be hidden. Come to think of it though, no one in the movie had balls either... but who's complaining anyway eh? surely not the vibrant young men outside cineleisure spraying each other with "foam".
Anyway the filmakers being disney have somehow managed to take away the sole benefit of being a half man half horsed creature. I remember thinking it must be a tough job being the Centaur and writing my job applications of late has maybe increased my empathy. Try putting, "I was the little horse on the prairie" on your resume... tis sad indeed. Thinking about the Centaurs though brought home the fact that there are always worse jobs around, for instance, in a centaur, one could also end up being the tail end. For the textually inept, here's a proud visual.
Notice that while not all centaurs are cool, they are all undoubtedly sweaty.
I don't want to be the horse's ass. Naohiah Rocks!
posted by Shininggoat at 11:43 AM
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