we all scream for ice cream

less angst today... I am not really big on vengence though sometimes it feels like the right way to go. Wouldn't make for a fun world though, all this killing and unkilling, the real danger also is that you never know if you're the one being the asshole.

So I went and made some ice cream today. Not too bad for a first time effort if I say so myself. Don't ask me how, but somehow the conversation went from what flavour to the need for an alternative voice in the press.

We live pretty much on stories, markets move on them, we base our lives around them. And sometimes I just wonder what it might be like with more than one storyteller. I am no perenially dissatisfied Singaporean, but sometimes I do wonder about the flip side of things; like how on the way back from the city I now have to endure another ERP gantry while still being caught in a dumb jam. Like how our government has 2 interesting objectives in relation to my quandary...

1) Help all Singaporeans achieve the dream of car ownership
2) Reduce road congestion

hmm.... interesting.... these objectives taken to their logical conclusion scares me... seriously, what is so logical about buying a car and leaving it at home? Yet it is this our society must aspire to. Typically Singaporean maybe, half fuck for everything. Enjoy yourselves but not too much yeah.

no blogs for awhile

won't be blogging for a spell

Young Sin Chinese Family Restaurant

some chinese names should never be used for restaurants...

I can just imagine some idiot like me going past saying,

"Hmm... Young Sin .... I wonder what they serve?"

Can't help it though, with a name like it came from the creators of the Bang Bus, you are bound to be an easy target. Lunch at the Golden Puxi Palace anyone? =)

Receipts like that will also be a little bit difficult to explain to the wife yeah. Don't say I didn't warn you...

After all guys are always getting maligned. Just like fat retrievers get no respect.

Why just the other day, during a conversation with Sheena, I broached the topic of my boy Rupert making friends with her erm... "girl dog" Pinky. Little did I expect that she would be inclined towards a more pornofied version of "he just wants to fark her!!". Goodness.. what has the world come to?

In any case, I am sure that there are worse things on earth than a Golden Retriever cross-bred with a chihuahua, chinese lessons for one comes to mind. And you can throw in the Bhangra version of "In the End" by Linkin Park too.

Poor fat retrievers get no respect.

remnants

I have been asked recently why I appear to be so much in love with Bangkok by a native no less and somehow the answer didn't come too quickly. True the last trip was fun, it IS tremendously difficult to say that a 2 bedroom serviced apartment plus good food, drink and company every night isn't. But fun just doesn't seem to do the destination justice. So I have decided to document some vignettes from my trips to Bangkok and maybe in doing so, find the answer there.

Billboards
These have really stuck with me since my first trip and I always get a familiar feeling everytime I see them on the way from the airport. For me they exemplify Bangkok the sense of the surreal. In Bangkok, the new is built on top of the old, or just going around it. Its as though the city planners just decided to forget that most of the place is crumbling in some kind of mad race, and just piled something on top of it while below life happily goes on. The path of least resistance maybe. There is this sense of the old and new that we don't really get in Singapore all that much. I remember having a champagne martini at H1 bemused that across the street, a bus that looked like it was in service since world war 1 rumbled past.

Bangkok taxis
One of the more enduring features of Bangkok, a typical conversation from my visits goes:

Me: Silom Village?
Driver: Yes!
after 40mins
Me (murmuring) : Oh fuck where is this place?




Driver: Yes!

Annie the Clock Seller
I saw Annie on a trip with my family in 2003 and here I must apologise, her name isn't Annie, it is a name i affixed upon her as a passing observer of her life. A name which stuck for a lack of effort on my part. Her simple makeshift stall sat in front of a closed store front and there she sat on a stool surrounded by her clocks, probably none of them telling the time of the moment, or at least they could not agree. She wears what is to my mind, a checkered jacket. If I could have photographed her I would, but I didn't have a camera with me. All I have are a few scattered sketches of her solitary figure fringed by the clocks which hung about her, still arguing about the time, though not very hard.

The whole scene struck me as quaint and I wondered what it must be like for her. Putting on her jacket before leaving her house, hauling her bag of time from her home to this location. Waiting for customers to come by. I wondered if she ever did get confused about what time it was, I know I would... all the bleddy clocks don't agree and I can't remember which one tells the time anymore maybe... If someone came over and asked me for the time, I probably would have to reply in all honesty; "Choose"

either that or punch the fucker in the face for being an arsehole - if he doesn't buy of course.

See, I wouldn't make a very good thai, too not non-violent.

better warn the Thais, the Japs are back and this time they mean business!

empty bottle of smirnoff + half empty bottle of green label =

0630 am Sunday morning:
I find myself just home from a night out with the visiting Thai students. Note for intercultural communications scholars... when inebriated aka piss drunk, we are all the same. Seems like if the UN had an international year of booze, we would be a more happy and similar world but I digress. Must admit that I did not expect to have such a nice time initially but I am glad the evening turned out very well. Took them (though sometimes they it felt like they were taking me) to mustaffa, rochor beancurd then momo where we stayed till approx 4 30 am.

In between, managed of course to squeeze in a discussion of some suitably weighty topic (not my waistline) about the Thai economy and society etc... while waiting for the ladies to get ready for clubbing. A bit like JC days but less hormonal. Took in a lesson on Loansharking 101 in thailand as well from Pom, a 19 yr old chap who speaks with more sense than I do on a good day.

I am still trying to come to grips with the dynamics of Thailand, somehow looking at another society has made me appreciate certain nuances of our own more acutely. Apparently, our reputation precedes us too well and someone must have hit the Thais with horror stories about our "fine" city. They actually thought that it was illegal to eat while walking on the streets since no one was doing so... presumably because I was not in the area. So after buying some old chang kee and looking around, they decided to play it safe and find a "safe" place to sit and eat first.

Anyway back to 04:45 am and I have just sent the Thais back to their hotel with Sheena Nicole and Glendon who came down to join us at Momo. I sat in the lobby and waited before I got called to one of their rooms by Nicole. Those who did not go clubbing had been "busy" and the above mentioned bottles lay smugly in different corners of the room witnessing the scene that they have caused. And an interesting scene it was.. 4 Thai girls and 1 Singapore girl in one toilet stumbling to help a fallen comrade. The smell of camaderie and international cooperation hung in the air, or maybe it was a slight smell of puke, can't really decide. Minor debate later, they decide that the floor is a safer place for their friend in case she falls off the bed. Then in a moment reprising the best of my brotherhood moments at their age, they took out a camera and starting striking poses over their drunk oblivious friend.

My dog is going into surgery tomorrow, a lumpactomy they call it. There's a not too agreeable lump somewhere on his right flank and they have to check if it is the big C, really hope nothing happens to him.

a day in the garden

finally got down to all the gardening that I was supposed to have done. The afternoon was primarily spent on the water plants. My water lillies were getting out of hand so I had to go into the pond and trim them. Potted the lotus today as well, the one that I grew from a seed I carried back from bangkok. Usually this activity would have made me happy. The goldfish which I bred were doing well in the mud pot too. Gardening is supposed to be somewhat carthartic no? But now I find myself alone again still feeling like shit for some reasons I would rather not discuss.

Maybe I need a bigger garden.

its strange how humans can invigorate and drain each other at the same time. A moot point for the creationist camp. human emotion to my reckoning does not seem to follow the strict utility that evolution implies. Unless of course the point can be made that somehow, our capricious set of emotions has the effect of prolonging lives. Is it for joy that we live or does the avoidance of sadness drive us along? If the latter than it must be that sadness somehow is a condition more undesirable than death. Something to think about yeah? If the former, then by any yardstick, I am a failure along with many others. How much joy does our life give us or the people around us? Darrr has said it, grades for grades sake is useless. It doesn't of course mean that attaining good grades is a joyless affair, though where to draw the proverbial little line is a question that is too personal for anyone else to answer.

Have we forsaken our friends and family? Lived lives less than honorable for petty gains? I had a dream or rather a nightmare in which I was boiling with a certain rage. In it, I was shouting at a certain someone, "you are nothing! you are nothing because you have no one!" Freudian projection aside, it made me ponder if the real reason I was angry was because that person represented the ugly part of me that I hated in myself. Its really hard to tell when you are the asshole.

I used to be easily agitated and angry on the roads. Consequently I have been less than civil in my manners to say the least. Now I take it easy. In a world filled with so much grey, you may obtain some gratification from cutting back into someone's lane or blaring your horn. But like I said, its hard to tell when you are being the asshole.

All that said, some behaviour I still cannot stand, and if you are one of these types... all I can say is stay away.

I hate buggers who go at 80 on the right lane of the CTE. No excuse there except a blatant lack of consideration or plain stupidity. The right lane is an overtaking lane and should remain so. This also means that if you stay at 90 on the right lane when there is a car behind you on a relatively clear road ahead, you are also a prick. These rules of course are flexi for instances such as jams etc...

If you travel at 80 on the right lane, you don't deserve your license.

addendum to modest proposal

Thinking back, while probably absolutely unnecessary I realise that perhaps I need to explain more about the choice of using gurmit singh as a campaign spokesperson.

Somehow, everybody identifies with Gurmit, I'm not too sure why but I guess it has something to do with him appealing to the "Non turban wearing Sikh posing as a Chinese Contractor who doesn't speak hokkien" within all of us. Free tickets to Phua Chu Kang the musical anyone?

We are such a funny society it hurts...

Speaking of pain. I am in pain pure and simple. After happily suggesting that wy receive a kick to his erm... "delicates", to divert attention away from his busted knee, I find myself in the unhappy position of contemplating the same treatment myself. People who are about to volunteer to help me, you are unsympathetic pricks. And before you buggers start forming a queue at the door to "help me", I would much rather do the deed myself, like run into a chair for instance.

Dude, I feel your pain.

On another note, this is an interesting feeling to say the least. I have not had such a strange feeling since the last time i tore my frikkin shoulder. I have difficulty using the phone and wearing shirts is pure hell. But for the sake of public decency I have soldiered on and have not appeared shirtless in public as yet.

being in pain sucks.

a series of modest proposals

just thought that I would do my part as a concerned citizen and give my humble opinion here on how certain societal issues may be best handled. Probably my longest post ever.

-Problem-
We are slowly turning into a nation of fat couch potatoes (like me) or thin nerdy chaps with bookish glasses and bad posture (feel free to play around with permutations such as "fat with bad posture", "thin couch potato" etc...). At this rate, there may no more poseurs left to fuel the retail and entertainment industry, thereby plunging the economy into an irrecoverable abyss. There will also be the additional problem of what to do with all the surplus "live strong" bands, skate shoes and hair wax. Smelting them into condoms comes to mind but the demand for prophylactics among the fatties and nerds is not exactly strong. We might also see a dire shortage of mammary shaped mouse pads for the same reason that condoms will not be needed.

Converting all the live strong bands, skate shoes and hair wax into chewing gum is also unacceptable, since under the terms of the Singapore - US free trade agreement: the only rubbers which can be chewed and sucked are those which are good for the teeth. Fortunately for us, just coincidentally, a number of american rubbers fit this bill, and after chewing and sucking on them, we will have nice clean teeth with which to smile and say thank you.

The prevalence of fatties and nerds will also exacerbate the babe drain problem Singapore faces. SDU's membership might also swell (pardon the pun) to surpass the number of NTUC union members who are easy to count because they stay so very still. The ensuing dearth of couplings will also send the real estate market into a quagmire since F&Ns (no relation whatsoever with the company) are also more likely to stay with their parents till their late 50s or the CPF withdrawal age whichever is earlier.

-Analysis-
With my rigorous business school training, I felt compelled to do this consultant style because consultants get paid for common sense and knowing words that other people do not understand... not unlike a Spelling Bee competition. This approach will not be duplicated subsequently, ostensibly because it is a. Repetitive and b. people might actually see through it for the bullshit that it is. Anyway here goes...

Applying various management tools such as Porter's five forces, SWOT, passing the buck and an extended executive lunch after golf; I arrived at the heart of the issue. [Future policy makers might want to take note of the stunning brevity]

-->We have too many fat kids and nerds.

Tada... Short and sweet yeah... I can also say this without guilt since I am both fat AND nerdy.

I will probably go to jail for this, but I believe that if you are feeding someone bullshit, you should give it to them straight, pardon the oxymoron. This I believe is preferable to a statement which could have been said like,"There are 3 CRITICAL things we must do in order to boost the birthrate in Singapore:

#1 Get Singles to form relationships.
#2 Increase the number of marriages in Singapore
#3 Get married singaporeans to have children

No shit sherlock... But lists are good notwithstanding, especially when you are talking to people you think are idiots. The pause helps us idiots digest the points you see. for instance...

#1 Wow
#2 Such
#3 Bullshit

but i digress yet again. Back to the issue at hand I have contemplated some possible solutions as outlined below.

Possible Solutions

a. Ban obesity and nerdism and jail offenders
b. Create a campaign with easily recognisable local faces such as our very own Gurmit Singh and some under 21 national soccer players for the ethnic cool edge.

However, as preliminary proposals these are bound to have shortcomings. Banning obesity might work since time in jail has been known to induce weight loss among other things. On the other hand, the poor skinny kids will still be passed assessment books by their parents during visiting hours, thereby preventing them from fully enjoying the physical aspect of prison life, such as running around and playing with the other inmates. The more optimistic among them might also find the environment more invigorating than the underground tuition centres they are forced into after class everyday. Heck, they might even catch some sun.

At this point I must apologise for proposal B, it is getting rather late as I finish this. I will not be able to recognise the under21 squad myself, though I hear you just have to look for the chaps in soccer boots at 7 eleven buying Menthol lights. Still support using Gurmit Singh since any campaign with him inside is bound to succeed yeah. Just look at "too tuff to puff" not to be confused with "too dumb to spell" - our national speak good english campaign that never quite got approved.

Suggested Strategy

No consultant would be caught dead without considering the use of existing resources so in tackling this monumental issue, I call upon the most terrifying, brutal and powerful force in Singapore --- Overzealous Parents. Anyone who disagrees should spend an afternoon manning the book or uniform store at any primary school before term starts. I've seen little kids in braces shoved out of the way like bowling pins and maimed before they can touch the coveted assessment books. No doubt about it, overzealous Singaporean parents make the Yakuza and the KGB look like the Carebears. (No discredit to the Carebears of course... anyone who can live their lives looking that gay must be tough). Singaporean parents regularly engage in espionage and intelligence work worthy of the Mossad in scouting for tutors and getting the secret test papers of "top schools" (a shitty and unimaginative term no doubt, but an effective image nonetheless). These are people who would willingly deprive their own young of sunlight, food and youth in the pursuit of academic success imbue in them a slavish lifelong devotion to external validation... Son you are only smart if other people say so...Scary indeed.

In anycase, capitalising on the primal energy of this frenzied horde, I have hatched the ultimate and most brilliant solution to our tiny problem. A solution that promises not only to kill the proverbial 2 birds with one stone, but also in all likelihood, some fat kid like myself too. Went to the gym today, almost died on the treadmill... but i digress...

Our society has spoken at length about wholistic and balanced education; creating a breed of fit and intelligent Singaporeans well versed in history, heritage yada yada yada. And I got to thinking about the assessment methods.

If we are indeed testing the whole person, why test fitness separately from academics? Why not instead just hold the fitness test right before the any academic paper? Or better yet, incorporate the exam segments as part a the fitness test. A test of stamina, speed and mental acuity under stress. This can moreover be achieved with a few simple instructions. For instance:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR PAPER

Run 2.4 km to station A and complete all 10 MCQ qns over there. Star Jump over to station B for short answer questions. Complete 60 situps before going to station C for essay segment. Papers completed before 3 hrs is up will be awarded bonus marks. Every minute later than the first submitted paper carries 0.5 penalty marks.

Knowing the overzealous parents, we probably won't have the stadiums to cope with the surge in demand, something that has to be addressed. On the upside, I believe that this should fuel our fledging biomedical sector as parents turn towards modifications for their children... some wheels perhaps to go with the braces. We might also have a fighting chance at fielding a soccer team at the world cup which can fly in on the non smoking flight. This scheme as foreseeable will not meet much resistance as prior experience has shown. Just ask the cinema operators.